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Here is a quote which I think perfectly describes my zigzag route to Peking University, China.
“Sometimes there comes a point when you jump not because you feel ready or are sure that you’ll make it across the chasm, but because the conditions are forcing you off the edge. That’s when you find out you can fly.” ——Lawrence Levy
Eyebrows are raised whenever people around me ask about my whereabouts. Often, they proceed with a veneer “wow” and some typical questions you would have expected. However, their hesitance and a-few-second pause always reveals their bit of uneasiness as they are unfamiliar with I am doing at that moment.
It started off when I graduated from high school. I was one of the top scorers for SPM (Malaysian national exam) in my year, scoring straight 10A+s. Although it’s a small achievement, I wouldn’t say it did not matter, like how our teachers used to advise us: be humble, do not look back to the glory in the past. Because all the effort my teachers, parents, friends and I have put, undeniably, was partly represented by this result slip. I wouldn’t want to understate these efforts. I was proud of my achievement.
However, not until a week later, I was told that my boyfriend was listed as one of the nation’s SPM top scorer. (Not an interesting love story, we spent most of our time studying together in class)
I was devastated, because I wasn't on the list.
As you can tell, I wasn’t wholeheartedly celebrating my lucky life of securing a KPM’s bursary for my pre-university education, which supposing lead me to a JPA scholarship after that. I was questioning the belief I held throughout my high school life: hard work pays off. It did, to a certain extent, but was not enough to satisfy my desire to prove myself to others. Ah, ego! This event serves to remind me that one may want to reach up to the sky, but the reality is not always as rosy as our dreams.
Still, under the bursary programme, I was given four choices.
1. STPM
2. Matriculation
3. A level
4. IBDP
STPM and matriculation were not under my consideration because I didn't want to stay near home and being isolated in one place wasn't my cup of tea. Before proceeding further, let me get certain facts right. STPM really offers decent education if you can adapt to it. The syllabus is rock-solid, in my point of view. Matriculation, however, gives you a golden ticket to enter one of our best local universities ahead of others.
Then, I was left with A levels and IBDP.
A levels – either you are smart enough to secure a scholarship, or your parents are generous enough to work extra mile to provide you with this prestigious pre-university course. No offense, but that’s what I have been told since young.
You see, I was expected to be really mediocre by my family. Since young, my parents were preparing me to not expect too much for my tertiary education. STPM and Matriculation are good enough. 10A+s was totally out of the blue and options rushed in. Lesson learnt: sometimes it’s not about the pride one takes when one succeeds, it’s about the options that one has locked into one’s hands due to one’s effort.
IBDP – It took me by surprise that the ministry is providing a scholarship for IB because the programme is notoriously expensive. I learned about this course from the news about Eleasha Chew, the first Malaysian student who got accepted into Harvard University since 2010. I was in Form 4 at that time. I couldn’t recall if it was supposed to be a marketing strategy by Taylor’s College, but it struck my mind that, well, IB seemed to be where "smart" students would choose to go as well. After all, IBDP requires one to learn 6 subjects across a few disciplines.
In the end, I chose IBDP.
Trust me, I wasn't thinking of going to Harvard. I have no idea of my post-college path because I have not done my research well, which is definitely not a good reason to justify myself.
Takeaway: research is important and should be done seriously by one when it comes to the time of making decision. I used to think that people make irrational decisions anyways, research does not really matter. But as of now, I believe, only after we have done enough research, when we are equipped with a large pool of information, when our brains are allowed to go through serious thinking, then instincts and adrenaline rushes can be justified.
There are a few reasons to go for IB, but one of them brings us back to the previous story. My boyfriend chose to study A levels at KYUEM. I didn't want to live in the shadow of me being inferior to someone I know so dearly. And I was worried that I would be increasingly dependent on the same circle of friends (friends from high school) even in college.
Two years of college experience later has taught me that people are social creatures. We seek familiarity because it makes us feel safe. But if you are aiming for a rapid transformation, playing safe wouldn’t be the best move. Not everyone is brave and tough enough to find new counterparts if the familiar ones are just beside you. At least, I am not one of them.
When the programme spokesperson boasts that IBDP encourages students to step out of their comfort zone, I can agree no more.
For my parents, it was about stepping out of their comfort zone as well. They have not met anyone who has studied IB before. My mum, especially, was worried that I might have gone astray, led by the wild college culture. It turns out that she was wrong.
Anyhow, they didn’t say “no” to me at all. They raised questions, concerns but not one leading to an objection. From my perspective, it's the respect that I earned through the hard work that gave me a choice to take responsible for my own future.
The same goes for my university application. For most people, including me, college application was a frantic mess. We were rushing after different deadlines for classes, tests, personal statements and etc. In the midst of everything, we have to decide on our future! Some headed straight into plans outlined by their parents while most of us were trying to act as if we had a plan, in fact, looking closer the plan was drawn like a maze.
If you have ever written a personal statement, you understand the struggles behind. Yet, I guess you will also agree with me that the writing is also one of the precious moments you get to sit in and thoroughly reflect upon your life. Admit it, the reflection has to go in depth, if not you will find yourself shortage of word count.
After “deep” reflection, I chose law, because there’s a burning desire in myself to make things right when I see injustice. Maybe this was the starting point for passion, I thought.
The thing is, my English language was not up to par. My first language is Mandarin. My English skills are built up mainly by memorizing bulks and bulks of essays, jargons, phrases. And I never get my grammar in place. I thought I could pull it through. Extra effort, extra help from others would do.
But.
LSE’s rejection was a flash slap on my face.
“Your personal statement contained inaccuracies in spelling and/or grammar and did not meet the standard outlined in the LSE guidelines.”
Crude yet it stung bitterly. Never did I realize my ambition was in the stake of grammar mistakes, despite having the essay proofread by so many English experts.
Lesson learned: never undermine any building blocks as they may shatter your rocketed dream buildings if they are not secured in place. Details count.
It is not that you should be panicking over innocuous matters. It just doesn’t harm to do another check.
I still get offers from other universities such as King’s College London and so forth. Although they couldn’t cover the anguish I got from LSE’s rejection, I appreciate that I got a seat in those universities.
You may wonder, how did Chinese universities cross my mind out of nowhere? My peers were busy applying across the globe, but not one to China. How did I end up in China?
To be honest, I still have no idea. It just came to my mind to check out Chinese universities out of curiosity. I just googled, literally. Google is really a wonder if you utilize it for good deed.
And the main driver for me to apply was just to find out the odds of getting into the top universities in China for international students. Honestly speaking, with a non-Chinese passport, getting into the top universities is substantially easier for us than the Chinese locals. The advantage given to international students in admission is so huge that some Chinese parents take great lengths to migrate, get a foreign nationality for their children, and return to China for tertiary education. Since then, the education ministry has enforced strict regulations regarding this issue.
As expected, I got accepted by both Peking and Tsinghua University.
Unexpectedly, it was just days before JPA scholarship was suspended. We were offered a convertible loan instead. Sad, outraged, unjustified, everything. It doesn’t really matter right now.
I started looking at local universities. Hmmm.
Public universities were uncertain. I had no control over it.
Private universities were the safe choices, but it seemed to be another 4 years of Taylor’s College life.
What about the offers I had gotten a great length to secure?
After some cost calculation, it was definitely a NO for the UK.
But China seemed to be still okay. I was granted a scholarship by the Beijing Government. It was just that my parents have to fork out for my living expenses. Except for the dormitory rates, the living cost in Beijing, is similar to Kuala Lumpur.
The decision was certainly hard to make. And it was certainly akin to going through another round of pre-university courses selection again, just that this was with a more serious tone.
I was inclined to go somewhere, taking a different path where nobody I knew has been there before. I wanted an unexplored life, not the ones that I have modules to follow. At the same time, I was getting tired of people judging me and me judging myself due to my English language skills. I wondered if things could have been different if Mandarin was the medium of teaching and communication in China.
So, clearly, my first choice was China. But the decision would have to be set only after I have my actual results from the IB board and local public universities. Yes, it was surely a long timeline until you set foot on your final destination.
By July 2017, I was rejected by all local public universities.
2 months later, I landed in Beijing. In the end, it was China, and it has always been.
However, I wouldn’t say the experience was a bed of roses exploring new things, gaining new insights and knowing new friends. In fact, my first year in China was totally out of my expectations.
I applied for Guanghua School of Management because the law degree from China is not compatible with Malaysia law system, thus affecting my job prospect in Malaysia. Sometimes, passion gives way to reality. My economics grade was good enough to convince me to apply for a business school. Additionally, I was skeptical of how Guanghua prides to host the largest pool of so-called "Zhuangyuan" across the nation. I was eager to check it out.
Too young too naïve. A hard lesson I learned from not making in-depth research before making a decision.
Language was not a problem. Maths was.
Despite being in a business school, mathematical classes took up huge credit and importance in my university life. My first year was full of mathematical drills in order for me to catch up with the brightest minds in China. It’s such an irony to me because my lack of interest in Mathematics was the reason I chose law in the very first place.
I know I will never be able to beat the crème de la crème of China, who has survived and won the Gaokao marathon, but I wasn't prepared for such great defeat. I failed for the first time, it was the calculus paper during mid-term exam. It was 32%. 60% was the passing marks and I was ranked at the bottom 10% of the entire class.
It wasn't actually about being the bottom 10%, it was the feeling that I was not going anywhere despite the hard work behind the scene. Sad, disappointed by myself, I questioned my choice. Yet, life had to go on. I couldn’t just quit and go back home.
Eventually, I passed all the torturing Maths classes. And the more I got to know the business world, the more I realized the globalized world is so complicated, intertwined with different disciplines. And most universities allow students to attend lectures across faculty, change majors within a specified period, provide double degree majors and so forth. So, if you are torn between major choices, try seeking more options. There is always a way to work around.
Most importantly, I learned that sometimes, you just have to have grit in life. Things get better because time heals all wounds and erases bad memories. There is always a brighter side of life for you to explore.
I remember the moments I was awestruck by the swift mobile payments China has to offer, spoiled by the convenient food and goods delivery China has to offer, dumbfounded by the lengthy hours of classes (at least 2 to 3 hours per class and they start as early as 8 am), stupefied by the extent of seat hogging for classes (since most classrooms will be cleaned the night before, you have to arrive as early as 7 a.m. to secure a good seat) and dazzled by so many interesting people I got to meet in China.
Studying in China means you get the first-hand experience on her belief, her people, her culture, her happenings. You get to witness the birth, rise, and fall of world-leading companies in China. At the same time, you get to know how the entire nation, from the well-developed metropolis to the rapidly developing countryside.
I remember going to Lingrui Pharmaceutical in Xinyang, Henan, a company in a rural area which I believe I would never step a foot in if that project hadn’t existed. I learned about what they meant by “red tourism”. I still sense the goosebumps seeing those propagandistic collections of Mao Zedong's batches and monuments of soldiers. However, the two-weeks-long field trip made me realize to what extent this industry matters for the development of certain places, especially for the rural area I visited.
I grow up as common as most people do. I do not outshine others, do not have “instagrammable” achievements. However, I am lucky enough to be able to take alternatives when odds are against me.
When my friends went for A levels, when they went across the globe, I was granted another option.
Thus, l like to believe that living is rewarding. Life has its ups and downs, but it is also full of possibilities. Each little step brings you a further step down the journey. Sometimes you rush down, sometimes you stop, sometimes you dance around, sometimes you tiptoe. It doesn’t matter as long as you are firm on your current step. Insecurities, anxiety, and frustration come and go. On top of that, having an anchor to what you are doing with your life is really important to keep track of yourself.
Sometimes I find myself caught in the dark of how people think of me studying in China. A retreat into my comfort zone surrounded by the language I’m most comfortable with? Or an adventurous leap towards the greater uncertainties?
I agree with both. And there are, of course, many more perceptions. It doesn’t really matter. Life goes on. I have the entire China to explore my course for now.
Lai Cai Xuan, previously a KPM bursary scholar, now holding a scholarship from Beijing Government. She is currently a second year student studying finance in Guanghua School of Management, Peking University. She still struggles with Maths but she is surviving fine right now! She worked at the International Student Division Office previously and was the vice president of Malaysian Student Association of Peking University. Feel free to drop her a message if you are interested to further study in China!